SO Angry… I want to cry…

This has been the absolute worst weekend of 2008… won’t say my life, because I truly don’t know if it was THAT horrid…

It started out with me going to my bowling tournament… I really didn’t want to be there to begin with, but I made a commitment and I went.  I bowled like utter poppycock… the 9 games I bowled in 2 days… I DID NOT once get my average.

Last night, I went with my team to the hotel room they reserved… it wasn’t worth the money that they spent on it.  A few things happened and I was disgusted so I left and found my own room elsewhere.  Throughout all of this… a guy that SAYS he wants us to move further texts me some crazy shit saying I am drunk and I never have time when I am alone to talk to him… blah blah blah.  Texts back saying we are completely finished… ok dude… don’t have the fucking balls to DIAL 10 DIGITS and SPEAK to me?  Fuck you!

I was at a bowling tournament, I didn’t need the added stress of some self-righteous, pompous, asinine, idiot text messaging me telling me that I am this or that… dude the last i talked to you I was putting a grill together, said I would call you later… and I did… leaving you a message and I hadn’t heard from you until now that was over 3 weeks ago… and you get UPSET that I am not alone?  Fuck that!  I am a mom… I have a life… I don’t understand how fucking hard it is to pick up a phone and say hi… why do we always have to have an hour long conversation?  Why do I have to be alone to talk to you?  Isn’t getting to know someone about getting to know their life as well?

People wonder why I don’t want to date… gee… because every fucking man I run into thinks that I must DOTE on them… I must spend every waking moment making them happy… what the fuck makes ME happy?  Or do you even fucking care?

I seriously just want to lay here on the couch, curl up in a ball and cry at this point.  Not because of this guy… guys come and go… I’m not worried about that… I want to cry because I have so much fucking stress and for just ONE DAY… 24 hours… 1440 minutes … 86400 seconds… I WANT NO STRESS… NO DRAMA… NO ONE NEEDING ANYTHING FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calgon TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My God I am so pissed…. so exhausted… so frustrated… I seriously want to cry!

Matters of the Heart…

For a long time, I have chosen to NOT be the real me. I have chosen to produce a person that another person wants. I chose to give up my individuality.

About 5 moths ago, I was at work and I met someone. I broke my own rule and crossed over from a business relationship to something more. I scared the shit out of myself. I apparently was a huge bitch… which I didn’t realize at the time.

I had even told my best friend that this was a guy that I could actually SEE myself coming home to. That was a first… I have never felt that before.

A month or so after the weekend we spent together… he called me and we had a discussion on the phone. It wasn’t a pretty one. He was sick… I was pissy… didn’t make for a great phone discussion. We got off the phone with him saying he would call me the next day to finish the discussion.

Tonight… another month or so has gone by… he sends me a text message, that he would like to talk to me… face to face. I was shocked to hear from him. This is a guy I thought had just given up like everyother man I have had in my life. A couple of texts lead to a very lengthy… civil, honest, calming discussion. We talked about the horrible weekend, we talked about my fears, my issues, his issues, his fear.

I have NEVER had a man “fight” for me before. Meaning he had to fight ME to get to me. Which he did. I have a lot of respect for him right now.

Would I like to pursue what we had where it left off?

Yes, I really would.

After I got off the phone with him, I went across the street to talk to my friend. I was running across the street like a gitty school girl. I asked her what she thought I should do.

Her response, “He IS a nice guy.” Long pause… alot of head nod while she looked at the ground. “And you DID say that you could see yourself coming home to him.”

I looked at the sky, stared at the beautiful stars, and while doing so said, “Yea I know.. and he has really big balls to come talk to me after things were left hastily 4 months ago.”

Now I sit here and I write. I am glad that he called, I really am. I am glad he stood up to me. I am glad he cares enough. Afraid as all hell about getting hurt…but I really do want to take up where we left off. No, I don’t want to forget what has already happened… because that would mean I have to forget the great stuff too and I am not willing to do that. So we move on from it… not forget the bad stuff.

Off to bed I go…smiling on the inside.

~mysterybeneath

 

Regrets…

As I sat in the airport this morning waiting to board the plane to my next adventure in cleaning up the mess.  I realized that no matter what people say… everyone has regrets.

They aren’t the regrets that you dwell on, but there are somethings you wish you wouldn’t have done.  But then again if you hadn’t of did the things you did then you wouldn’t be at the place in your life you are right now.  Wow that’s one huge run on sentence… but it’s true… think about it for a minute.

Do you seriously approve of everything you have done in your life?  Is there anything that you would go back and change?  There is something I would change, that wouldn’t change where I am today or the things I have.  Well it wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t have my daughter or live 3 miles from my parents.  That I would still have and still do. 

What would I change?  I would change the fact that I ever let someone convince me to go gambling.  I have a gambling addiction, I know this.  I haven’t gambling in 3 months after one night of pure hell and the morning that followed.  I had to admit to my family that I had a problem.  I wasn’t go to lose my house or any of my possessions, but I was going to bounce quite a few checks that I wouldn’t have been able to cover for a while.

I left the casino at 4:17am…my phone was ringing off the hook because the guy I was dating at the time was calling me.  I hadn’t come home that night.  We got into a screaming match on the phone, I admitted to him I have a gambling problem and he informed me that was an excuse to stay out all night with another guy.  Nope, sorry buddy, wasn’t another man… it was the greediness within my soul I was with.

My car drove me straight to my parents house and I thought for sure my dad will be gone to work by now, I could talk to my mom and she’d cover my ass.  Guess again, dad was home.  I took a deep breathe and went straight out and told him.  He didn’t scream at me, he calmly said, “Well, yeah I’m mad… but there isn’t anything that I could say right now that will hurt any worse than what you are putting your own self through.”  He was correct!  It took ever ounce of my being to tell my father I was in trouble.  He agreed to give me the money.  My mother came out and asked what was up and then my daughter followed suet… she was staying the night at their house the night before, that’s how I was able to stay out all night.  Anyway, off track…

My father took my daughter into the house and my mother looked straight at me and said,”If I EVER hear that you gambled again, I will keep your daughter here with us until you straighten yourself out.”  The money was in my account by close of business that day.  They had bailed me out yet once again.  How embarrassing, I am 32 years old and fucked myself over so bad that I had to go to mom and dad?

I was good for a whole 3 months.  I would take my coupons in get the cash and leave.  Until yesterday…I was doing my Christmas shopping and I stopped by the casino to pick up the $110 from the coupon.  I told myself that I would only get the cash and go.  But that damn greedy got me again and I sat down and 3 hours later I was $2,000 lighter.  I would have stayed but I HAD to get home because my daughter would be getting off the bus soon.

I almost went back last night.  But finally the good angel on my shoulder won.  I decided that the $2,000 was fine to take as a loss… I am completely fine… but if I lose MORE, then I wouldn’t be ok anymore.  Logic won out and then my neighbor told me that from now on she will go with me to make sure I don’t gamble.

Some may ask why go at all?  Because I have a hard time NOT going to get my money back when they send me the coupons.  I don’t mean to gamble… I mean it’s free money when they send the coupons… to bait dumbasses like me to sit down.  For a long long time, I was good… I gave in.

Do I have regrets?  Yes, one… that I ever started gambling!  But that’s why I travel so much now… I’m working my tail off to fix the mess I got myself into.  No one but me is gonna do it, and no one but me should do it.

Thanks for getting through this if you did get through this.  Actually, this is the first time I admitted to the public that I have an addiction.  That’s the first step of recovery right?

~mysterybeaneath

The New Blog, Dedicated to Writer Chick

A long time ago, I sat down and I wrote about my journies, my life, my love and who I really am.  People started taking that information and passing it off as their own.  Recently, I started reading blogs again and I ran across one of a very talented writer.  I knew I had seen something she wrote somewhere before, so I googled a passage and sure enough I came up with the imposter.

 I immediately emailed the writer and told her about what I had found.  Searching through this imposter’s blogs, I found at least 7-8 more posts that had been copied word for word. 

 Th eimposter to me is a coward, wanting to seem important and say things, wants to fill empty space on their page… that is fine, but why use someone else’s words?  Let the blank page sit… everyone gets writer’s block.  It happens, it’s life, deal with it!!

It is late and I have an early meeting for my real job, but I wanted to let Writer Chick know… you are very talented and you contribute so well.  You have inspired me to share my thoughts and my ramblings with the world again.  I am glad I could be of help to you… you have also helped me.

Thank You!

~mysterybeneath