Regrets…

As I sat in the airport this morning waiting to board the plane to my next adventure in cleaning up the mess.  I realized that no matter what people say… everyone has regrets.

They aren’t the regrets that you dwell on, but there are somethings you wish you wouldn’t have done.  But then again if you hadn’t of did the things you did then you wouldn’t be at the place in your life you are right now.  Wow that’s one huge run on sentence… but it’s true… think about it for a minute.

Do you seriously approve of everything you have done in your life?  Is there anything that you would go back and change?  There is something I would change, that wouldn’t change where I am today or the things I have.  Well it wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t have my daughter or live 3 miles from my parents.  That I would still have and still do. 

What would I change?  I would change the fact that I ever let someone convince me to go gambling.  I have a gambling addiction, I know this.  I haven’t gambling in 3 months after one night of pure hell and the morning that followed.  I had to admit to my family that I had a problem.  I wasn’t go to lose my house or any of my possessions, but I was going to bounce quite a few checks that I wouldn’t have been able to cover for a while.

I left the casino at 4:17am…my phone was ringing off the hook because the guy I was dating at the time was calling me.  I hadn’t come home that night.  We got into a screaming match on the phone, I admitted to him I have a gambling problem and he informed me that was an excuse to stay out all night with another guy.  Nope, sorry buddy, wasn’t another man… it was the greediness within my soul I was with.

My car drove me straight to my parents house and I thought for sure my dad will be gone to work by now, I could talk to my mom and she’d cover my ass.  Guess again, dad was home.  I took a deep breathe and went straight out and told him.  He didn’t scream at me, he calmly said, “Well, yeah I’m mad… but there isn’t anything that I could say right now that will hurt any worse than what you are putting your own self through.”  He was correct!  It took ever ounce of my being to tell my father I was in trouble.  He agreed to give me the money.  My mother came out and asked what was up and then my daughter followed suet… she was staying the night at their house the night before, that’s how I was able to stay out all night.  Anyway, off track…

My father took my daughter into the house and my mother looked straight at me and said,”If I EVER hear that you gambled again, I will keep your daughter here with us until you straighten yourself out.”  The money was in my account by close of business that day.  They had bailed me out yet once again.  How embarrassing, I am 32 years old and fucked myself over so bad that I had to go to mom and dad?

I was good for a whole 3 months.  I would take my coupons in get the cash and leave.  Until yesterday…I was doing my Christmas shopping and I stopped by the casino to pick up the $110 from the coupon.  I told myself that I would only get the cash and go.  But that damn greedy got me again and I sat down and 3 hours later I was $2,000 lighter.  I would have stayed but I HAD to get home because my daughter would be getting off the bus soon.

I almost went back last night.  But finally the good angel on my shoulder won.  I decided that the $2,000 was fine to take as a loss… I am completely fine… but if I lose MORE, then I wouldn’t be ok anymore.  Logic won out and then my neighbor told me that from now on she will go with me to make sure I don’t gamble.

Some may ask why go at all?  Because I have a hard time NOT going to get my money back when they send me the coupons.  I don’t mean to gamble… I mean it’s free money when they send the coupons… to bait dumbasses like me to sit down.  For a long long time, I was good… I gave in.

Do I have regrets?  Yes, one… that I ever started gambling!  But that’s why I travel so much now… I’m working my tail off to fix the mess I got myself into.  No one but me is gonna do it, and no one but me should do it.

Thanks for getting through this if you did get through this.  Actually, this is the first time I admitted to the public that I have an addiction.  That’s the first step of recovery right?

~mysterybeaneath