Matters of the Heart…

For a long time, I have chosen to NOT be the real me. I have chosen to produce a person that another person wants. I chose to give up my individuality.

About 5 moths ago, I was at work and I met someone. I broke my own rule and crossed over from a business relationship to something more. I scared the shit out of myself. I apparently was a huge bitch… which I didn’t realize at the time.

I had even told my best friend that this was a guy that I could actually SEE myself coming home to. That was a first… I have never felt that before.

A month or so after the weekend we spent together… he called me and we had a discussion on the phone. It wasn’t a pretty one. He was sick… I was pissy… didn’t make for a great phone discussion. We got off the phone with him saying he would call me the next day to finish the discussion.

Tonight… another month or so has gone by… he sends me a text message, that he would like to talk to me… face to face. I was shocked to hear from him. This is a guy I thought had just given up like everyother man I have had in my life. A couple of texts lead to a very lengthy… civil, honest, calming discussion. We talked about the horrible weekend, we talked about my fears, my issues, his issues, his fear.

I have NEVER had a man “fight” for me before. Meaning he had to fight ME to get to me. Which he did. I have a lot of respect for him right now.

Would I like to pursue what we had where it left off?

Yes, I really would.

After I got off the phone with him, I went across the street to talk to my friend. I was running across the street like a gitty school girl. I asked her what she thought I should do.

Her response, “He IS a nice guy.” Long pause… alot of head nod while she looked at the ground. “And you DID say that you could see yourself coming home to him.”

I looked at the sky, stared at the beautiful stars, and while doing so said, “Yea I know.. and he has really big balls to come talk to me after things were left hastily 4 months ago.”

Now I sit here and I write. I am glad that he called, I really am. I am glad he stood up to me. I am glad he cares enough. Afraid as all hell about getting hurt…but I really do want to take up where we left off. No, I don’t want to forget what has already happened… because that would mean I have to forget the great stuff too and I am not willing to do that. So we move on from it… not forget the bad stuff.

Off to bed I go…smiling on the inside.

~mysterybeneath